


The Life That Escapes You

by Nyra_the_draconic_demon_Dragion



Series: The Life That Escapes You [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 16:24:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15077090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyra_the_draconic_demon_Dragion/pseuds/Nyra_the_draconic_demon_Dragion
Summary: He had known all along that it wouldn’t last.How could it?Nothing good had ever lasted before, so why would it start happening now?(Basically just a Keith angst fanfic) (Has spoilers up to season 4)





	The Life That Escapes You

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, this is my first fanfic and I would really appreciate it if anyone who reads this takes the time to comment on what you thought about it. You can comment on anything from what you thought to tips for future writing. All comments would be greatly appreciated. Please comment on any mistakes you might find.
> 
> (Sorry for all the awkwardness that is me.)
> 
> Well, hope you enjoy :)

Keith 

 

He had known all along that it wouldn’t last.

How could it? Nothing good had ever lasted before, so why would it start happening now?

His mother was gone before he even got to know her.

His father died at a point where he barely understood the concept of death.

The nice police officer that found him gave him off to some uncaring social workers.

The few good foster families that he had got rid of him. (Even though he had tried so hard to please them in hopes that he wouldn't be sent off to a worse place.)

The few people who treated him somewhat decently quickly left him after barely getting to know him.

The teacher that had tried to help him had left the school altogether. (It hadn’t even been long enough for his current family to give him away yet.)

The only sincere friend he had ever made had been “killed” on a mission. (Keith _knew_ that it couldn't be true. Shiro would never make such an amateur mistake.)

He had been kicked out of the Garrison. (Although, he told himself, it wasn’t too bad since it had gotten him away from Iverson.)

Every good aspect of his life had left him.

\-----

After a year of solitude, the brightness that had fled from him throughout all those years came rushing towards him in just one night.

The night he rescued Shiro from the Garrison. The night he met Pidge, Hunk, and Lance.

The next day they ended up in a castle in space, being told that they had to pilot something called Voltron and that they were the universe’s only hope.

Keith liked it. He had finally found a place where he belonged. A place where he wasn’t treated like some waste of space and existence and was instead cared about by others. A place where he could make a difference. A place where he could protect others.

He had found something that he had longed for ever since he was a child. He had found people that he could call a family.

He was finally happy, but, of course, it didn’t last long.

They went to the Blades of Marmora hoping for allies and came back with more than they had hoped. A startling revelation that ripped all he had gained away from him.

Keith was Galra.

The others tried to act as if it wasn’t too bad, but he could see the distrust and hatred that had blossomed in their eyes once they heard the news. Allura and Coran hadn’t even tried to hide their anger and hatred; showing it clearly in the glares they gave him whenever he was around.

That was the first loss the revelation of his heritage had caused. He lost the people he had started to think of as uncle and sister figures.

The others left him at a slower pace, but they left him, nonetheless.

Keith had finally gotten friends, and yet they were disgusted by what he was.

It broke him slowly.

To see the disgust, the wariness, the thinly veiled hatred that had started growing in the eyes of what he could have called a family. Every interaction made the cracks in him a little bigger.

He didn’t want this and knew the others didn’t want _him._ So, he left.

He started separating himself from the team slowly. Taking more missions with the Blades and ‘accidentally’ missing some missions with Voltron.

His team started to hate him more for it.

The anger wasn’t veiled anymore, and it hurt him more with every passing moment.

The worst was Shiro.

Keith had come to see him as a brother figure, and had been completely devastated when he hadn’t come back from his mission on Kerberos. When he got Shiro back, he had been euphoric.

But to see the anger, the betrayal, the disappointment in the eyes of his brother…It was what pushed him over the edge.

He used a level on the gladiator that was way too high for him the night before a difficult mission was taking place. He had planned it this way because there was no way the mission could be completed without all the paladins present. His injuries would not allow him to go on the mission, so he hoped that Allura, or maybe even Coran, could bond with Red in order to complete the mission.

He nearly shattered at the looks the team gave him when they realized he could not fly. They were filled with fury and disappointment. The way they lectured him was even worse.

After the thorough lecture, they roughly shoved him into a healing pod and left to handle the mission.

\----

When he got out of the healing pod, he stumbled and fell to the floor. There was no one there to help him. He knew it shouldn’t have come as such a surprise, but it did. He had _always_ been there whenever anyone else was in one of the pods.

He left the med bay and headed towards the bridge. That was the place where they went to talk over missions, so it was a safe bet to think they were there now. The door hissed upon his arrival and as expected, the team was gathered there.

He didn’t know how, but somehow the completely cold and detached looks they gave him hurt even worse than any other look they had previously given him.

He was harshly informed that the red lion had allowed Allura to pilot her and that he could now join the Blade of Marmora full-time if he wished. After all, there were six paladins and only five lions.

He knew that wasn’t an offer. They were getting rid of him. Shoving him out of the way and sending him to where they ‘knew’ he would fit in better.

With other Galra.

So, with a shattered heart, he accepted their rejection. He packed his few belongings and sent a transmission to Kolivan, telling him that he would now be a full-time Blade.

The team didn’t even see him off. Barely sparing him a glance when he said goodbye.

With a parting glance, he left the castle of lions and headed towards the base.

\------

He arrived quickly and was greeted by another Blade. The blade showed him the important rooms and then took him to his own so that he could settle in.

Only when he sat on the bed did the full weight of what had happened fully hit him.

He had been abandoned and thrown away by the ones he had come to know as the only real family he had ever had.

All the good things that he had gotten ever since they found the blue lion had been quickly taken from him, exposing a gaping hole that he thought he had finally closed.

He remembered the space in his chest. Of course he did. It was the same empty space that had resided in him throughout all the years that he was on Earth.

Remembering this just made it more painful.

He had known from the beginning that good things would never last for him. And yet he had deluded himself into having hope.

A desperate wish that this time it would be different.

That this time he wouldn't be abandoned.

That this time he wouldn't have his heart shredded and torn from his chest.

That this time the gaping hole inside his chest would finally be filled forever.

\----------

He didn't have time to dwell on his situation for too long. The universe didn't like him enough to give him a decent time to cope and mourn. He was being called for a mission, so he shoved his emotions to the back of his mind and went.

\------

This is how it played out for a long time.

Keith went on mission after mission, training during his free time and only stopping when his body lacked enough food and rest that continuing would have been impossible. And even then, he continued to push his limits.

He was constantly avoiding dealing with his pent-up emotions. He had no time to deal with all that he had lost. There was always a mission to be completed.

And all of them were intense, bringing death too close to his doorstep, and yet never close enough to end him.

Keith gave his all on his missions (even if his all was sometimes muddled by the lack of care he was giving himself), but sometimes his all wasn’t good enough and there was a failed mission.

He always pushed himself harder after those.

The only times he truly cared for himself were when the other blades asked (Read as: ordered) him to rest, eat, or to go to the med bay to get taken care of.

He despised when that happened.

His mind always rushed to the thought that they could care about him, but he knew better. He knew they were only looking out for the mission. After all, it was their way.

Knowledge or Death.

The mission is more important that the individual.

It was ingrained into every blade’s mind.

Someone not being up to their best capability was a danger for the mission. That’s the only reason why they bothered to tell him to take care of himself. He knew they didn't care, but sometimes he couldn't help but think, more like hope, that any one of them could care even the slightest bit about him.

So, he continued as he was, taking extra care to hide when he wasn't completely well and occasionally taking a break when he was absolutely sure that he couldn't continue.

He didn't want to delude himself into thinking they cared when they clearly didn't. After all, who would care about someone like him.

He was too much of one but not enough of another.

Too much Galra to be with the paladins (the humans), but not Galra enough to be fully accepted by the blades.

He was constantly reminded of this whenever he served in joint missions with Voltron.

After liberating a planet, the blades would stand on the sidelines as the paladins talked to the natives.

The blades, however, always seemed to attract attention.

They were eyed with distrust, anger, and hatred; never fully accepted. The natives gazed at them warily, as if the blades would attempt to take them over simply because they were Galra.

As the days continued, so did Keith’s self-loathing.

Why couldn’t he be good enough?

Why was he always left behind?

Why were all the things that made him happy always snatched away?

He didn’t have any answers.

He never would.

\---------

It was after a particularly bad mission that things took a turn for the worse.

His two companions had died, ensuring that _he_ would be the one to make it out and get the information back to the base.

He didn't know why it was him. He didn't understand why they would choose someone so useless and incompetent to stay alive while they died.

He delivered the data and was sent to the med bay, all the while feeling numb.

He was told to take two days off in order to recover from the mission.

And then it came.

The voice came out of nowhere, and it took him awhile to realize it was coming from his head.

It was a darker, deeper, more twisted version of his own voice.

The Voice was not kind. It was relentless, shoving salt into the wound that was the empty space in his chest. It had started by telling him he was useless, but had quickly escalated into taking everything that had happened to him and telling him exactly why it had happened.  

His mother abandoned him because she knew he was worthless.

His father died not because of an accident, but because he knew death would be the only way to rid himself of his useless son.

The nice police officer gave him over to the cruel social workers because he knew that was what Keith deserved.

Every good family he had been sent to had returned him because they couldn’t stand such a terrible person in their homes.

The few people who treated him nice quickly realized how disgusting he really was and left him.

The only teacher who had tried to help him left the school because she couldn't stand to be in the presence of one such as him.

Shiro left for the Kerberos mission to get as far from him as he possibly could.

And finally, the team.

The ones he had thought of as family.

That he _still_ thought of as family.

The Voice had fun with them, telling Keith all the reasons why he was rejected.

How he had lied to them.

How he was disgusting for being a hybrid; for being part Galra.

How he had never been, and never would be, considered as part of the family by them.

\-------

The Voice never left.

There were times where it was silent, but more often than not it was actively seeking to harm Keith. Throwing any mistake he made back at him with twice the malice that anyone had ever given him.

Keith was slowly going mad, and that’s exactly what The Voice wanted.

It broke him piece by piece until one day, after a particularly bad mission, it said what it had come here to say all along.

  


Keith should not be alive.

Keith did not _deserve_ to be alive.

Keith should **die**.   

 

To say that Keith was surprised by The Voice’s statement would be a lie. He had expected it from the very beginning and had often questioned his importance.

Was there really a reason for him to live?

Was there truly a reason for a burden such as him to be alive?

He knew that reason was not that the blades needed him. He knew the blades could continue just fine without him. They had been for centuries.

So then, was he only alive for some sick, cruel joke?

Did the universe need someone to toy with?

Did the universe need someone to shatter?

Did the universe enjoy breaking him until there was nothing left to break?

He didn't know the answer to this.

The Voice mocked him by telling him he didn't know the answer to anything.

And thus, with many questions sitting heavily in his mind, he continued as he was before.

As he had been ever since he joined the Blades of Marmora.

He barely cared for himself and constantly dealt with the onslaught of negativity coming from The Voice.

The emptiness in his chest kept getting bigger. It had been ever since he left. Ever since he had been kicked out and abandoned, The Voice readily supplied.

More than once he found himself accepting, and sometimes even wishing, that death would take him.

But, as things would have it, it seemed death did not want him either.

He was saved from every near death experience that he might have on a mission, and that just gave The Voice  even more reasons to insult him.

He was so useless and disgusting that not even _death_ would like to dirty its hands by taking him.

And besides, why take him from his misery when it was all Keith had ever and would ever deserve?

\--------

The Voice continued to taunt him every time he did even slightest thing wrong.

It was taking its toll on him.

The madness inside him was growing.

So was the empty void residing in his chest.

And honestly?

Keith was tired of it all.

He was tired of always being left behind.

He was tired of The Voice inside his head.

He was tired of all the death that seemed to surround him, and yet would never be merciful enough to take him.

He was tired of the way the universe wanted him to suffer.

\---------

He couldn't stand the void in his chest anymore. He’d had it for a long time, that much was true, but it had kept growing steadily every day. Hatred, disgust, abandonment, anger, and other such emotions making it grow until it almost completely encompassed his very being.

Keith didn't want this anymore, but he was stuck with the knowledge that he could not leave.

He didn't kill himself like the voice had suggested. He didn't think the universe would let him die in such a petty way.

Suicide wouldn’t end his suffering, but sometimes he found himself wishing it would.

He wished it could be so simple to die so that he could end his pain then and there, but he knew better.

He knew the universe wouldn't grant someone like him such a gift.

The Voice, of course, reminded him of this fact every day.

How he could not stop his misery even if he tried.

How he deserved everything that was happening to him.

How he deserved to be looked at with hatred and disgust by the team whenever he had to go to meetings with Kolivan.

\------------

The pressure was building inside of Keith.

He knew he couldn't finish off his suffering, so he tried training in order to release the pressure inside him.

The Voice laughed at him for it.

And (just as The Voice had said he would) he failed.

He had worked himself into unconsciousness in the training room and woke up in the med bay. He woke up to the disappointed face of Kolivan, who gave him an admonishing speech about what he had done and then gave him the rest of the day off to recover.

\---------

The pressure was still building inside him at a rapid pace, fueling the void in his chest and causing it to swell with every passing moment.

The Voice aggravated him more, a constant reminder that he was worthless and unneeded.

Keith didn’t know how the pressure would affect him.

He knew it was only a matter of time before he exploded and he could only pray that it didn’t happen during any of his missions.

\-----

He continued gaining pressure until he burst, but it wasn’t in any way he had expected to.

It was simpler than it had any right to be.

All the compacted pressure came in the form of a tear.

He had expected to be screaming, or in hysterics, or even to just have the urge to fight until his body couldn't anymore.

None of that happened.

Instead, he woke up and cried.

Silent tears were streaming down his face; no noise was coming out, save for his shuddering breaths.

The Voice wasn't there that day. A fact for which he was thankful for.

\-------

The relief from The Voice’s absence didn't last long.

Nothing good ever did.

The Voice came back with a vengeance and quickly made up all the lost time from the day before.

Keith barely heard anything other than The Voice that day.

\-------

Once again he was tired of it all.

He wanted it to stop. The void had almost completely consumed him, and yet it seemed liked it still had a lot more to take.

And take it would.

It would tear through him savagely every day, taking more than he thought possible, yet still leaving enough to tear through the next day.

\--------

Keith kept on living.

Not necessarily because he wanted to, but because he knew he wouldn’t be able to die even if he wanted to.

No.

For him to die it would have to be a dire situation with stakes high enough so that the universe couldn’t be focused on saving him.

So he kept going.

Dragging himself day after day.

Going through missions which constituted of both successes and failures.

Getting heated glares whenever he had to do anything that involved his old team.

Only a team, The Voice reminded him. They would have never considered him anything else. Other than a disgrace of course.

\---

The suffering had started blending in into an incomprehensible haze that clouded his mind at all times.

One of the only clear things in his life was The Voice.

He wished it wasn't.

It taunted him constantly, not giving him much time to rest before continuing its assaults.

And continue it did.

It taunted him over his losses and how he wasn't capable of ever having someone who cared about him stay in his life.

Once again, he wanted it to be over.

He wished for there to be a way in which he could end his suffering. A way other than killing himself, since that option didn't seem to work.

 

Then, weeks later, it arrived.

The opportunity that was most likely going to let him rest.

 

Naxzela.

 

\------

The battle was tough, but after some time, Voltron’s side was winning…until it wasn't.

As it turns out, Naxzela was a bomb strong enough to wipe ten solar systems and the witch, Haggar, was planning on activating it.

They could _not_ let that happen.

The rebel ships were firing at Haggar’s, but with her ship’s shield activated, they didn't seem to be doing any damage to the ship.

The situation was dire and almost hopeless.

Keith couldn't just sit there and do nothing, not when everything within the surrounding solar systems could be destroyed.

Everything he cared for (even if his care was reciprocated by hatred and disappointment) was within the range of the explosion.

He _had_ to do something.

The Voice, for once, seemed to be helpful and gave him an idea. To crash his ship into the force field so that it would disintegrate and let the rebels finish it off.

It was perfect.

He could hit two birds with one stone. Or however that saying went, he didn't care to revise it at the moment.

It would save the lives of the ten surrounding galaxies and it was dire enough that the universe would finally leave him be.

So he started the ship and sped towards the shield. He ignored all the sounds around him and took a deep breath.

This was it.

The moment where he could be useful to others.

The moment where he wouldn't be a failure.

The moment where he could finally end his suffering and die.

He pushed his fighter jet to its max speed and closed his eyes, hoping that he would never open them again.

 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read this. I hope you enjoyed it (sorry Keith) and that you take the time to comment.


End file.
